While searching in my google docs I found a document I started last year, meant to be an idea dump of sorts to store the stray sentences and thoughts that come into my head. Usually these notes are just a compilation of sentences, but I wrote down dates for this one and it was the closest thing to journaling I had done, I think. Consider it a predecessor to this blog, maybe? I thought these were interesting, so here's a mostly complete selection.
In retrospect these do have a sort of defeated tone to them, haha... I don't think I learnt to find inspiration in the positive back then.
One day before the so-called childrens’ day.
Time is not passing normally. Memories are black and fleeting. My eyes do not
point up. Was it because of the excessive video watching? Though this has happened no other
time…was it the lack of meals, the lack of sleep? With almost a year of experience being
sleep deprived I should already have gotten used to it. Everything is flowing. There is no
sense of time. Time is twisted. It’s not right. It’s dark, it’s limbo. It flows like water
or like waves, there is no sense of time. It does not progress in a linear fashion. I have
lost time.
I was wrong, it’s today that’s the day before childrens’ day.
It rained. I was never awake the entire day.
I don’t remember when I fell
asleep.
Why? It was only an hour or two. I am draining like my phone’s battery.
It fluctuates too much; by the time I write this I am only in that sombre mood.
Twisting twisting turning curling up
One time two times three times four
the bird comes knocking at my door
Endless circles running on promise falling through
the floor
Has it been that long already?
As a child I never understood death, that or I never cared too much about it. It
wasn’t ever a big deal. I don’t remember asking anyone what it meant. The fish died? Okay,
buy another batch. The tadpoles died? Oh, some of them even grew out legs…there were too
many of them anyway. The turtles died? Okay. Maybe we shouldn’t get more since they keep
dying? Take care of the bodies some way or another. I never knew or asked about that part,
just that they disappeared. The first hamster died because my dad fed it icy carrots. The
second died of old age, and I saw the cage taken apart, washed and placed on the rack on the
balcony. They threw the body in the trash can. I thought, oh, that’s wrong, but I couldn’t
fathom why. Did I think I should’ve buried it? Would I have done it? The answer to the
second was no. Death was unreal. I never thought of jumping when on the edge of something
high. It’s some human response shared among people, some kind of universal intrusive thought
because the brain is stuck in a loop. I wasn’t in the loop. The idea of falling was scariest
in its process, the zero-gravity sensation, and not in its result. Once I was jaywalking
across a narrow street and got to the middle where there’s lines painted on the ground. I
was little. A taxi drove by, just centimeters from my chest. Three, five, or fifteen, but it
doesn’t matter; it was close. I scared the shit out of the relatives standing on the curb.
Another time I rode a bike and sped across the street within the single remaining second on
the streetlight. In my mind, it was never ‘I almost got hit by a car’. It was always ‘I
avoided the car by this much’; ‘I got this close to the car’. Never the possible
consequence. Did it matter? Not really. Getting hit by a car never occurred to me as being a
possibility. The scene did, but it felt far away from me.
A brief interlude for commentary: something I didn't mention or emphasize in this passage is that, to put it bluntly, I felt quite cool after evading the taxi. This is the opposite reaction to what the driver and my family members have. I'm pretty sure the driver swore at me? My relatives did the thing relatives do where they scold you in a half-terrified-half-furious way. I paid them no mind.
Another thing I found interesting: I don't have intrusive thoughts about jumping off high places, but I do have intrusive thoughts about throwing my phone from high places. Weird, isn't it. I'm not sure what to make of it.
I would rather my past be terminated
The second try would only make me fall harder, mama
(Oh, it’s been so long again.
2024. 11. 30
Well I didn’t write anything yesterday.
Realized that today’s the last day of November. So weird. Don’t even remember
November starting.
Anyway.
New year huh.
New year indeed. It'll be another new one soon enough. Maybe this time I could catch up, who knows.